Dealing with the Alpha Male
Some guys just don't get it
By David G. Jensen
You're a strong, competent woman and you should be respected for the work you do and the results you bring to your company. And yet, time and again, your interactions with one particular male, often the "guy in charge," leave you with a bad feeling. There's friction there and you're not sure why.
Lots of men -- myself included -- have occasional problems getting along with women. I don't think this has anything to do with sex or gender. Still, a few comments from my wife -- who is also my business partner -- convinced me to read the book What Men Don't Tell Women About Business by Christopher V. Flett (John Wiley and Sons, 2008). I saw it on the couch one day where my wife had been reading it. It was the subtitle that drew me in: "Opening Up the Heavily Guarded Alpha Male Playbook." I felt I ought to know something about this mysterious playbook, especially since I had been accused before of being an "alpha male."
What I discovered about myself, I figured, is grist for Managing Your Career because my male readers might see the same issues in themselves, while my female readers could take home some thoughts about improving relationships with alpha males in their world.
A Definition
The pop-business meaning of this phrase is a little different than what you were taught in Biology 101. To Mr. Flett, "alpha male" indicates a man who is driven, constantly pushing himself and those around him. This person may be an entrepreneurial chief executive officer or an assistant lab manager working his way up the corporate food chain. Whoever he is, he would be happiest being the biggest fish in the pond or (in some cases) the great white shark of whatever water he's swimming in.
Like most character traits, extreme alpha-male behavior is pathological and can amount to sexual harassment. After all, these behaviors have deep psychological/emotional roots. But Robin Ely of Harvard Business School and a specialist on race and gender in the workplace told me, "In the course of my research I have rarely run into such people. I only very occasionally hear stories about them. My sense is that the biggest problems women face are not going to be men who are willfully sexist and exclusionary."
Far more common -- and manageable -- are men who engage in moderate alpha-male behavior.
Blame It on Our Fathers
My wife says I owe a lot of my "alpha" behavior to my father, who taught me that it is important to end up on the top of the pile and that money and responsibility are good things to strive for. Sometimes I notice that I'm putting my dad's ethos into action.
Fathers sometimes reinforce a different kind of behavior in their daughters. A friend of mine is a professor of biology in the world of academia. She told me this story about her experiences in that classic male hangout, the machine shop:
"The type of work I do often requires custom fabrication of components. I had to build a switch box, so I found a switch, got the wiring done, the aluminum cut and bent to form a box, and then realized that it was time to drill the hole. I asked my boss to do this because I didn't know how to use power tools," she said. "He gave me an odd look and said that an electrophysiologist needs to know this, and how could I have come this far without knowing how to use a drill?"
He had a father who was a mechanical engineer and had spent his childhood in his dad's workshop. Interestingly, my female friend's father was also an engineer, "But any time I went into his workshop, he said, 'Honey, can you bring me a cup of coffee?'"
Her boss came to work the next day mumbling about his sister not knowing how to use power tools either. Apparently his sister didn't get treated the same way he did even though she grew up in the same household. This alpha male soon started a weekly power-tool training session for my friend and a female tech.
Forms of Currency for the Alpha Male
Even if you're dealing with the world's biggest jerk, he's likely to be the jerk in charge. Of course, you need to weigh the advantages of working things out with this alpha against your own dignity and self-respect. But unless his behaviors are extreme, it's you -- not him -- who's likely to make adjustments.
If you want to adjust your relationship with an alpha male, you must understand what matters most to him. Mr. Flett, the author of that book I found on my sofa, describes the most important alpha currency: reputation and respect. "Reputation is an alpha's strongest currency and the one we will fight hardest to protect. . . . If you build a strong enough reputation, you'll have all kinds of freedom. If you bankrupt your reputation, you are absolutely worthless," he wrote.
This person's reputation is like a bank account. When you promise something and deliver it, you've made a deposit. Your reputation goes up and so does his. When you promise something and don't deliver, it isn't just your bankbook that suffers.
Mr. Flett believes -- and I concur -- that these differences are reflected in the nature of the networks we form. An alpha doesn't need to be friends with his contacts -- but they must have business value. He owes something to them and they owe something to him. My Rolodex is full of good contacts and I am not afraid to use them when I need to. At some point in the future I'll pay back the favor. It's not about friendship.
Communication Essentials: Removing Those Pesky "Feelings"
A key to getting along with an Alpha male, particularly if he is your supervisor, is remembering a few communication essentials when you are going one-on-one.
Be direct. Your Alpha has so much on his mind (or so he believes) that he really has no time for a description of the process. He's solely and exclusively interested in the bottom line. Of course, we know he's being closed-minded; a manager needs flexibility to accommodate different personalities and working styles. He just lacks that particular trait.
Another important suggestion, right from my heart: Don't take things personally, or make things personal. Don't bring feelings into the conversation. In the eyes of the alpha male, women damage their careers by taking things personally or being overly concerned about the feelings of co-workers. Of course, feelings do matter in the workplace, even if there are times they shouldn't. But he's not likely to change.
There Are Alpha Females As Well
Of course, what I've been referring to, and what Mr. Flett's book talks about as well, are traits. And as such, it is entirely possible that a woman in power could have these same alpha characteristics. Many women I spoke to when writing this article told me that some of the most difficult relationships they've had in their work life have been with other women – women who have taken on some of the traits of the alpha male.
Regardless of whether male or female, working with an "alpha" isn't going to bring you a lot of warm and fuzzy feedback. But if you live up to what is promised -- and what is asked of you -- your relationship with that person can give you a mighty boost up the career ladder. Alphas love to see their people succeed; it makes them look good as well.
