(Press Release) TheraDynaMatic Pharmaceuticals announced today that patient enrollment has begun for the first Phase II trial of their investigational drug Panaceazam. The trial, known as DOMINATE, will take place at numerous centers in North America and elsewhere. “We look forward to allowing a few lucky patients the privilege of actually putting Panaceazam under their tongues,” said TDM’s chief medical officer, Dr. Albert Fresco. “Eventually, of course, we think that every sentient being on Earth will benefit from the drug, and we continue to work with NASA’s astrobiology initiative to identify off-planet markets. Rejoice!”

Note: this release includes “forward-looking statements” as defined by the SEC. Know your limits, and please invest responsibly!

September 2010

(Analyst note) TheraDynaMatic Pharmaceuticals has an-nounced full enrollment in their DOMINATE clinical trial of Panaceazam. We expect to hear interim clinical data at the next meeting of the European Society for the Study of What Ails You in April. Until the ESSWAY numbers, though, we see few catalysts for TDM stock other than their periodic press releases.

January 2011

(Press Release) The upcoming ESSWAY meeting will feature six presentations from TheraDynaMatic Pharmaceuticals. This barrage of data will firmly establish Panaceazam as the most important small molecule of the 21st century. Sunglasses will be available to attendees to mitigate the glory of the PowerPoint slides, and counseling will be available at no charge to those unable to deal with what they’ve been shown.

Note: Past performance, if any, is no indication of future results, if ever. This is not a solicitation to buy or trade securities, but if it were, this is where we’d tell you to hop to it.

February 2011

(Press release, issued during a snowstorm on Valentine’s Day) TheraDynaMatic Pharmaceuticals has consolidated its disclosure strategy into a single presentation at the upcoming European Society for the Study of What Ails You. Nothing to see here, move along.

March 2011

(Press Release) TheraDynaMatic Pharmaceuticals today an-nounced that patient enrollment has begun for the next phase of its Panaceazam clinical effort. The OBFUSCATE trial will target specific patient populations that the company just happens to believe might provide an even clearer view of the benefits of its clinical candidate, which continues to rise in the East like the sun itself, illuminating the landscape with its rosy glow, and its CEO, Albert Fresco, MD, wishes to reiterate that those who might tell you otherwise are minions of evil.

Note: All securities carry the risk of loss of capital, or, alternatively, the risk of wealth beyond your feeble imagination. Ask your broker if TheraDynaMatic is right for you!

April 2011

(Wire Service Report) TDM today presented data from their DOMINATE trial of Panaceazam at the ESSWAY meeting in Milan. The compound appears to have missed its primary endpoints in its target population, but the company stated that subgroup analysis had shown that several promising patient groups had been identified and that “all must tremble before its righteous fury.” All questions related to the recently announced OBFUSCATE trial were deferred until a later date by company spokesmen. “We will cast runes in order to determine the best time to approach Dr. Fresco, blessings be heaped around him,” said one company insider who did not wish to be named.

April 2011

(Press Release) TheraDynaMatic Pharmaceuticals today presented results of its DOMINATE clinical trial, and – as expected – strong responses were seen in owners of basset hounds, regular consumers of Sichuan tofu, and left-handed Libras. Promising results were seen as well in related patient populations (beagle owners, lamb vindaloo fans, Scorpios). Given the chilling statistically significant nature of these results, which stunned onlookers into silence at the recent ESSWAY conference, the company remains fanatically committed to continuing to advance Panaceazam through the OBFUSCATE trial. The company also plans to seek other uses for the compound in other subgroups, but the options, they are so many, and the time, she is so short.

Note: The statements in this release have not been vetted by the Department of Homeland Security. Please recycle this item if you believe you have received it in error.

July 2011

(Analyst Note) Our coverage of TDM has been hindered by a lack of response from management to questions about their lead compound’s progress. Results are expected by the end of the year from OBFUSCATE, but we remain unsure of Panaceazam’s potential given the confusion around its intended use in the wake of DOMINATE. Should any statements be received from the company, we will communicate them to our clients as soon as they can be translated into a language that we can all understand.

November 2011

(Press Release) TheraDynaMatic Pharmaceuticals today announced – no, scratch that, today proclaimed – that the long-awaited end point of the OBFUSCATE trial, as foretold on ancient incised buffalo-dung tablets in several of the world’s leading collections of antiquities, has been reached. The company wishes, though, to take this opportunity to deny responsibility for the recent spate of earthquakes in the north Pacific, and has no reason to believe that its current clinical data set has awakened the Elder Gods that sleep in the ruined cities on the sea bed. Or at least not yet.

The company further wishes to add that the data will be presented when a forum found worthy of their brilliance is discovered. For as it is written in the Fresconomicon, is not a jewel only to be mounted in a setting that fits it? Does not the glory of the center redound upon the periphery? Is a bear not Catholic? Does the Pope not . . .

December 2011

(Press Release, crossing the wires at 11 PM on Christmas Eve) TheraDynaMatic Pharmaceuticals has announced that its founder, Dr. Albert Fresco, has not been heard from since early this month. Star-shaped scorch marks on the carpet of the executive suite lead the board of directors to conclude, in the absence of any other physical proof, that he has (as outlined in an earlier memo to the board) completed his move to a higher vibrational plane of being.

With this in mind, the board has opened a search for a permanent replacement and will name an acting CEO shortly. Current clinical efforts are being reviewed, and a partner is being sought for development of the company’s lead compound, formerly known as Panaceazam.

April 2012

(Wire Service Report) TheraDynaMatic Pharmaceuticals has announced a partnership with the United Nations under the International Rodent Control Mandate. Various UN agencies will evaluate the company’s rodenticide, Kevorkirol (formerly Panaceazam), for public health efforts in strongly rat-invested localities. Separately, the company has stated that it is in talks with the Corps of Engineers for possible use of stockpiles of the compound for strengthening landfills against erosion and as an additive to asphalt to provide improve cold-weather properties. Company officials provided forward earnings guidance in the range of. . .

Derek B. Lowe has been employed since 1989 in pharmaceutical drug discovery in several therapeutic areas. His blog, In the Pipeline, is located at http://www.corante.com/pipeline and is an awfully good read. He can be reached at derekb.lowe@gmail.com.