Greetings! You are receiving this message because your company is currently the object of a buyout or merger offer from MegaBioPharm, “The Company That Cares (As Long As That Increases Shareholder Value).”

We are constantly searching for opportunities among smaller companies, although it is technically correct that almost everyone is a smaller company than we are. But our teams of Friendly Liaison Managers assure us that they do indeed recognize good R&D when they see it (they’ve read a lot of articles), and we offer our congratulations to you for coming into their sights. Do not be alarmed—this will be a worthwhile experience for nearly everyone concerned.

Our external liaison teams have taken on greater importance during MegaBioPharm’s continuing streak of randomly occurring difficulties in its own research. We assure you that this series of unfortunately unprofitable events in no way reflects on the company’s culture or leadership. In fact, historical precedents are well known, such as the former Soviet Union’s seventy-year run of poor harvesting weather. And our continuing series of reorganizations is predicted to bring tremendous benefits very shortly under the Nine New NDAs Per Year Plan (which supersedes the previous Seven New NDAs Per Year Plan). But until the final implementation of this farsighted effort, external resources will be crucial. Lots and lots of external resources —and that’s where you come in!

Your company is being invited to join one of the mightiest works of the human race, what we like to call, in our disarmingly folkloric way, the MegaBioPharm Family. No warranty of any actual familial behavior is expressed or implied.

One big happy family
It is true that actual members of actual families do not, in general, buy and sell each other as entire units or reconfigured pieces, even when it might be profitable to do so. And it is also true that family members are usually not required to meet sales and research productivity targets, with their continuing presence in the household riding on their performance reviews. Nor do most families spend the majority of their time working their way through a daily schedule of multiple overlapping, interlocking meetings full of highly ritualized slide presentations conducted in a jargon so impenetrable it sounds like an attempt to evade electronic surveillance. But nonetheless, we continue to see ourselves as one big happy family, as long as this attitude is consistent with increasing shareholder value (and not one second longer—that’s our promise to you!)

We would like to express our appreciation to you and your company for having the foresight to invent something that we find useful. We realize that you may not actually have pursued your work with MegaBioPharm in mind, and in fact you may have actively been trying to avoid drawing our attention. But these actions are all in the past now and will not be reflected in your first mid-period performance evaluation, should you still be in a position to receive one. You’re part of the team now, momentarily.

You’re probably asking yourself, ‘Where will I fit in?’
We realize that you’re probably asking yourself “Where will I fit in at MegaBioPharm?” This may or may turn out be a meaningful question. MegaBioPharm is large, and contains multitudes, but it does not always contain the same multitudes at all times. But not to worry—soon you will be receiving details of our exciting plans for your future.

Depending on what category our evaluation team places you into, a variety of opportunities await you. You may be invited to go forth and become a valued member of that MegaBioPharm family we were just telling you about at length a couple of paragraphs back. Or you might be invited to go forth and become a MegaBioPharm contractor, in which case you will at least have a great deal less paperwork from the Benefits Department to process during this transitional period. Or you might be invited to just go forth. We’ll have more details for you shortly. Well, fairly shortly.

No matter which category you find yourself in, odds are good that it will involve some excitingly unexpected travel plans. MegaBioPharm has a number of sites scattered across both hemispheres, probably including Antarctica, and we cannot at this time completely rule out a presence on various near-Earth asteroids. You may be invited to transfer to one of these dynamic new locations, a full list of which can be found on our web site. Note that you will need the MegaBioPharm plugin for the full interactive experience, allowing you to watch sites opening and closing, mostly closing, in near real time. The new MegaBioPharm App lets you keep up with the list on your mobile device, which can save valuable travel time should you find yourself being shipped to a site that is no longer part of our organization. Should this happen, think almost nothing of it, and be assured that we in turn think almost nothing of you. (Note: site closures after your scheduled arrival are not the responsibility of MegaBioPharm). You’ll also be asked to install the new Increasing Shareholder Value app, which will display a selection of inspirational quotes, remind you of your daily and weekly productivity goals, and occasionally break out into a stirring rendition of the MegaBioPharm company song. Note that the current version of the app is 17.21—previous builds were prone to randomly playing the Sid Vicious version of “My Way” instead, an unfortunate situation that we have since traced on an outsourced software supplier. This incident should not be taken to mean that we at MegaBioPharm will be cutting back on outsourcing any time soon. The occasional hacked electronic menu board (which led to the main cafeteria listing our CFO’s left leg as a lunch special) is a small price to pay for an outsourcing vision as comprehensive as ours.

We believe that contracting ever more distant, obscure, and inexpensive ethnic groups to do as much of our grunt work as possible is the key to our future success. (That and buying companies like yours, of  course).

Whatever runs late for today will be early for tomorrow
A gap of twelve time zones means nothing to us, and whatever runs late for today will just be early for tomorrow. Expeditions are underway to help meet the outsourcing needs of tomorrow, and should you be interested in our liaison department’s initiative to teach nomadic Central Asian herdsmen how to run Suzuki reactions, please apply via the company job postings site. We are also seeking motivated team players to translate the company song into various languages of the Amazon interior.

No matter which category you find yourself in, odds are good that it will involve some excitingly unexpected travel plans.
MegaBioPharm has a number of sites scattered across both hemispheres, probably including Antarctica, and we cannot at this time completely rule out a presence on various near-Earth asteroids. You may be invited to transfer to one of these dynamic new locations, a full list of which can be found on our web site. Note that you will need the MegaBioPharm plugin for the full interactive experience, allowing you to watch sites opening and closing, mostly closing, in near real time. The new MegaBioPharm App lets you keep up with the list on your mobile device, which can save valuable travel time should you find yourself being shipped to a site that is no longer part of our organization. Should this happen, think almost nothing of it, and be assured that we in turn think almost nothing of you. (Note: site closures after your scheduled arrival are not the responsibility of MegaBioPharm).

We feel sure that you will find our company a dynamic place to work, should you turn out to remain working there for any length of time. And should you instead join the ranks of our repurposed or downsized ex-employees, take heart. We invite you to set forth and discover something new so that we can come and buy it off of you in the future. After all, someone’s got to find the drugs of tomorrow, and we’re ready to engulf them once they do. So once again, welcome to MegaBioPharm: where progress is our only problem.